12 Years ago today (July 29) I met the love of my life on a personal level. I should explain that I had met her prior to this date (however at the time I only knew her as a hot chick who was related to a guy I kind of new).
Over the first weekend I met her I got ridiculously drunk & was probably under the influence of many controlled substances as well - I also make a friend in her. She was dating someone - he’s a douchebag & shall be referred to as such if he comes up again. In addition to being wasted & sleep deprived I got to know this young woman & realized I wanted her in my life.
Over time I fell in love with that young woman - eventually I had the balls to make a play for her although she was still with the douchebag. I remember it clearly, she asked me what I was thinking & I kissed her - she slapped me. We tried this again later that night & she didn’t slap me - she kissed me back. From that moment on I knew I wanted to be with her forever.
I later married her, had 3 kids with her, moved to a new city with her & in the end hurt her. I won’t get into details because it still hurts - it hurts knowing how badly I fucked up. Now I’m alone a lot & I also compulsively check my Twitter feed - but that’s another story about being ADD & compulsive.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope you can look back over the last 12 years & realize you made good decisions. I made a few good ones & a ton of bad ones. I’m sorry for the bad ones & I live every day regretting them.
Over the last few weeks and months I have lost a great many things. I lost my family life (separation is a bitch) - I’ve lost my friends - I’ve lost my “toys”. I find that of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. Yes I just quoted Ozzy regarding the loss of everything I hold dear. I quote The Blizzard because everything I lost is due to my losing my mind.
Depression is real & very serious - I truly wish I had sought help much sooner then I did. Because I didn’t seek help I lashed out at people who didn’t deserve it - I truly hope they read this although I imagine they will not as they hate me now. Truly the worst part of depression is that there is no “cure” - you can’t just “get better” and move on with your life. You can learn to cope - I’m trying and it’s really hard. You try and make amends - however when no one will talk to you that’s harder to do then you can imagine.
If you’re reading this & I have done something to you - a lot of people fall under the category of people I have wronged - then I apologize sincerely from the bottom of my heart. I want you to understand that it wasn’t really me who lashed out at you - it was my depression lashing out at you.
A lot of my issues and depression stem from my own unresolved feelings of inadequacy. When I was younger I was the fat kid & my family wasn’t as seemingly well off as my friends. I was constantly plagued by feelings of rejection - mainly because I always being rejected by the girls I was interested in. This resulted in me constantly comparing myself to other people - when I did (and still do this) I’ve always come up lacking.
Regrettably I feel it may to late to rectify this situation I find myself in - I sincerely hope not as I don’t want to lose all that I once had.
Something you may not know about me is I love poetry. I have adored Dylan for years (both Bob & Thomas), Keats, Ginsberg & of course Ron Whitehead (Outlaw Poet).
The other day I saw that someone on Twitter @BohoPoetGirl and her Bio is a line from Ginsberg. So now I have written a small line from an iconic poem in regards to Twitter. If you like it let me know & if you don’t let me know so I can throw a rock at your house.
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by favstar, starving hysterical naked,
Dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry star,
Angelheaded hipsters (wearing geek glasses outside of a club you’ve probably never heard of) burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,